I’m done typing. It’s all about the newfangled talking thing.

John August and I will be doing this podcast regularly. I expect we’ll be talking about the same things I used to write about, but hopefully more in-depth.

And you can listen to it in your car. iTunes-ability on the way.

Here’s the inaugural episode.

Oh… and while many of you Gen Xers might remember the opening music as the CBS “Special Presentation” intro, did you know that music was actually lifted from the Hawaii 5.0 soundtrack?

Scripnotes, Episode 1

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Been a while.

When I started writing this blog back in… 2005 was it?… I had no idea how long I’d do it or how many people would ever read it.

Turns out the answers to those questions were “years” and “a lot.” And when you grow a site to the level where it gets national attention, you feel like you have an obligation you never really wanted. I have a job and a family and friends, and suddenly the blog was a slog.

Then, one day, I sort of ran out of things to write about.

I say “sort of,” because there’s actually a bunch of things I have to say, but I just didn’t feel like putting them down in words anymore. I took a month off from posting, which turned into two months, which has turned into pretty much a year.

And it was a good year.

Of course, while I let the weeds grow, the world kept on spinning. There’s plenty left to discuss about the craft and business of screenwriting, but I’ve obviously lost (at least for now) the passion for publishing it all week after week.

Let me confirm what’s blindingly obvious: The Artful Writer is pretty much kaput as a blog. I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, there’s Something New coming, which should please a few of you, annoy a few of you, and hopefully entertain and inform the great rest of you.

Until then, I want to thank everyone who visited this site and read what I had to say, as well as all everyone who participated over the years. It was a strange, gratifying, frustrating, useful and useless venture, which is about all I could have ever hoped for it to be.

If you’re not already following John August’s site, you should be. He’s the Lou Gehrig of screenwriting bloggers.

And in a week or so, he’ll have some cool news.

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Leslie Nielsen has died.

His performances in the ZAZ movies meant the world to me as a kid, and it was a true honor to work with him. Ever the professional, there was nothing he wouldn’t do. Didn’t matter how old he was, didn’t matter how physical the gag.

I thought today of the things I asked him to do. Spit milk at school children. Walk around nearly naked in front of an auditorium full of hundreds of people. Punch an old lady in the face. Climb into a coffin with a beautiful young woman and squeeze her breasts.

He did it all without ever complaining. Particularly that last one.

Leslie Nielsen wasn’t a natural comedian. He didn’t get into show business to be a clown. It was his unclown-ness that made him so great. I can’t tell you why certain lines were only funny if Leslie said them. All I know is that they were. When we wrote lines for Leslie, we knew they were “Leslie” lines, unperformable by any other human.

No one else could get away with it.

Leslie’s characters could be stupid, insane, proud, delusional, racist, violent, sexist… and people loved him anyway, perhaps because he played a deadpan dementia that made you excuse every word that came out of his mouth.

And yet, when the cameras weren’t rolling, he wasn’t a clown at all (well, there’s the matter of his famous “fart machine,” which someone will no doubt pull out at his funeral). He was a gentleman, a man’s man from an era that’s sadly bygone. Even in his old age, he was tall, broad and strong. He treated everyone with kindness. It didn’t matter that I was the new guy. It didn’t matter that I was the four thousandth director that had come and gone for him. It didn’t matter that he had achieved more in his career than I could ever hope to in ten lifetimes.

It didn’t matter that I asked him to do and say things no octagenarian should do or say.

He was respectful and professional, and he always tried. Leslie never phoned in anything.

I will miss him and anyone who worked with him will miss him, but more importantly, comedy will miss him. People can imitate him, but no one can bring that magical insanity he had. We lost one of the all-time greats today. I can only hope he’s in heaven with that Laplander…

Goodbye, Leslie.

And thank you.

For everything.

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Via commenter Coltrane…

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Recently, Amazon launched “Amazon Studios,” a strange mashup of contest/development/crowd-sourcing designed to help filmmakers “break in” by getting noticed, winning money and even having their movies released by Warner Brothers.

It’s a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad deal.

Well, let me amend that.

It’s a GREAT deal if your script stinks and your movie shouldn’t get made. Under those circumstances, someone’s reading your crap, maybe even helping you with your crap, and perhaps as a result of human fallibility, you might even get some money for your crap.

But if your script is GOOD? If you’re actually talented? If you have real potential as a writer, director or filmmaker?

Bad, bad, bad, bad deal.

How is it bad? Let us count the ways.

CREATIVE

I can’t say it better than John August did, so I’ll just summarize. Works of authorship are special because they’re not crowd-sourced. It’s a ridiculous misapplication of new thinking. I like progress, but crowd-sourcing is a tool, and you need the right tool for the right job.

FINANCIAL

Here’s where Amazon kind of disgusts me. They put this whole “Hollywood is old and lame, and we’re the new hotness” vibe out there. In their intro video, their hip spokesman with the spiky haircut is an inclusive, welcoming voice. Hollywood is represented by a fat old Jew at a desk.

Funny thing, though. The actual terms of Amazon’s “studio” are so much worse than those offered by Hollywood studios, it’s grotesque.

First off, forget about unions. Amazon ain’t into it. Not the WGA, not the DGA.

Next, let’s talk about their option. When you submit material to Amazon–say, a script–they have an exclusive option on the script for 18 months. During that 18 months, they can do whatever they want with your script. They can change it, smash it together with other scripts… and of course, make a movie from it, or commission a book, or any other derivative work.

You know what else they get to do? They get to sell your material. They can sell your script to customers. If you submit a movie, they can sell that too. Oh, but that’s not just for 18 months.

That’s FOREVER. They have a permanent right to sell that stuff. After 18 months it’s not an exclusive right, but good luck competing with Amazon, friend-o.

And if you’re not American, you have to waive your droit moral anyway, so don’t think about gettin’ fancy with copyright, foreigners!

But okay… what do you GET for all of this?

NOTHING.

You get nothing. The option is frickin’ FREE, and the upside is capped. In Hollywood, if you option a script, it’s hopefully for something. Even a dollar. But the good news is that if the script sells to a studio, the marketplace sets the ceiling. You could get a hundred grand… or four million dollars.

Not in Amazon-ville. In Amazon-ville, you option your script for NOTHING, and the option buy-out is $200K. And when you get that 200K, my brothers and sisters, Amazon owns that script lock-stock-and-barrel for ever, just the way a studio would.

Okay, okay, but what if they make the movie?

NO GUARANTEES. Not a dime. In fact, the only way you get a penny more is if the film grosses $60M in the U.S. (not North America, btw, which is standard for domestic B.O. calcuations). If it hits $60M, you get a bonus of $400K.

Let me put this as plainly as I can: if your screenplay was good enough to be distributed by Warner Brothers and subsequently sell enough tickets to hit $60M at the box office, YOU DID NOT NEED AMAZON, and YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE MORE THAN $600K.

But wait. It’s even worse than that.

CREDITS AND RESIDUALS AND HEALTH CARE AND PENSION

Zero, zero, zero and zero. Here’s what Amazon says about credits.

We will determine in our sole discretion your credit, if any, in any film or other work we develop or produce that arises out of the Property, taking into account the guidelines set forth in the WGA Basic Agreement.   Our determinations of credit will be final.   Notwithstanding the foregoing, the WGA Basic Agreement does not apply to this Option Agreement.   We are not a signatory to the WGA Basic Agreement.

In other words, we’ll tell YOU what the credits are gonna be, bub. Now piss off.

Residuals? None provided. Health care? Pension? None provided.

Bottom line? This deal is unfair to writers, and it’s an obvious end-run around the basic union protections we have in place for professionals in this business. If you take this deal, you are a sucker. Amazon may want to present themselves as a cool alternative to the closed-off crusty, regressive Hollywood model, but this is the movie business, folks.

Things aren’t what they seem.

If someone at Amazon reads this and thinks I’ve gotten the facts wrong, I’m more than happy to host a back-and-forth with them here. From where I’m sitting, the deal they’re offering looks awful.

One more thing.

Some of you might think, “Hey, another Hollywood jerk badmouthing one of the few alternative ways in that we have.” First, I maintain that if you’re good enough to succeed with Amazon Studios, you’re good enough to succeed without them.

Secondly, the “access” that Amazon is dangling in front of people isn’t free, or even cheap. It comes at the cost of a fair market price for your work, credit protections and residuals. It hollows out the core benefits that the WGA has fought for and won over the course of decades, and it does so glibly, as if a pension or credit for your work are old-school shizz that cool kids don’t bother with.

Amazon isn’t doing this because they give a damn about you or your access.

They’re doing it because it affords them unlimited upside with very limited downside. Perfect situation for a corporation.

Perfect situation to avoid for a writer.

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This is kind of awesome. Essanay Studios made Chaplin films back in the day, and they actually used this slip when rejecting screenplays. They existed in various forms from 1907 to 1925, when they were absorbed by Warner Brothers.

I think they should bring this back, as long as they keep the snazzy font.

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I just got back today from the Austin Film Festival. I had a terrific time, spoke on a bunch of panels, met lots of people and had an all-around kickass time.

But.

I want to talk to you. You go to screenwriting conferences because you want to be a professional. You want to sell a script. You’re a student. You want to learn.

Good for you. Listening to and questioning the people who do the job you want is a smart move.

What is NOT a smart move is listening to the people who DON’T do the job. And who are they? Oh, you know who they are. They’re selling books. They’re selling seminars. They’re “script consultants.” And for a small fee, or a medium fee, or a goddamned flat-out ridiculous fee, they’ll coach you right into the big leagues!

Horseshit. Let me say it loudly and clearly: IF THEY WERE ANY GOOD, THEY WOULD BE DOING WHAT I DO, NOT DOING WHAT THEY DO.

Dig? Simple rule of thumb: don’t spend a dime on a book, a lesson, a seminar or advice if the person selling DOESN’T HAVE A REAL MOVIE CREDIT.

And just in case “real movie credit” is too vague, I’ll be clear about what I mean. One spec sale from 1994 that happened to get made ain’t enough. Don’t spend a dime unless the seller has worked, is working and is gonna BE working. Multiple credits. A hit or two would be nice. Or recent critical acclaim, like a script on the Black List. A recent spec sale, or a spate of new gigs. Awards and nominations never hurt…

Mind you, I’m not just going after the rinky-dink “who the hell are YOU?” types who print up “script consultant” business cards for $20 and then hand them out to suckers, as if they earned a degree or something.

I’m talking about the biggies too.

My friend Derek Haas was at a conference where Linda Seger was speaking. He wasn’t impressed. He wasn’t impressed with the quality of her advice, the relevance of her advice…or her references to Cagney & Lacey, as if anyone in 2010 would give a shit.

Linda Seger has an IMDB page. Check it out. When you’re done laughing at the posters of the movies she’s consulted on, head on back.

According to her website, she charges $1200 for a “script overview.” But if that’s not enough magic for you, she’ll take $5,000 to provide “script consultation from early draft into production.” Oh boy.

If you pay this lady or anyone like her a penny, I personally believe you’re a moron. Linda? Frickin’ genius, I guess. But you? Moron.

In a world full of advertising on urinals, or fees for checking a bag on a plane, there is still one thing left in this world that is free.

Screenwriting. Assuming someone is willing to lend you a pen and some paper, you’ve got all the materials you need between your ears.

Are some books useful? Marginally so, in my opinion. You’re far better off reading screenplays (lots of places on the internet to do that) and watching movies.

But if you really feel the need for more help than that, then ask yourself these questions before pulling out your wallet: “Is my guru any closer to being a professional screenwriter than I am? Has the author of this book written a movie anyone I know has enjoyed in theater? Is there even one example of someone in my position graduating this program and becoming a successful screenwriter?”

And then ask yourself the biggest question. “Why do I need this at all?”

Screenwriting is hard. The business is hard. As you flail around, doing everything you can to achieve your dream, you’re going to get frustrated and scared. When we get frustrated and scared, we attempt to exert control over the process. One way of fooling ourselves into thinking we have control over something is to give money to experts, who will help us get better.

That’s why Linda’s titles are so seductive. “Making a Good Script Great.” “Making a Good Writer Great.” See? You’re good, friend. You’re real good. You just need something else to be “great.” By spending money on a book…or more…you’ll exert control over the scary thing and win the day!

Or you won’t. Maybe you’ll just be someone else applying post-facto structural theories to your own work. It’s an amateur move, which is ironic, considering that avoiding amateurism is the reason you bought the book in the first place.

To be fair, I’m not suggesting the Segers and Trubys and McKees and Voglers of the world don’t have anything interesting or insightful to say. I’m just saying that you have to put all that stuff in perspective. In my heart, I truly believe that no successful writer who has read their books would have failed had they not.

Good writers are good writers, and bad writers are easy marks for control-peddlers.

If you want to spend a little dough on general advice, go to the Nashville Screenwriters Conference. Go to the Austin Film Festival. Listen to professionals.

If you want to spend a little dough on learning structure, go out and buy every Pixar movie ever made, including the shorts.

If you want to spend a little more, start going through the Criterion collection. Study the films. Study the scripts online. And then remember that the best possible instructor you could ever have is staring at you in the mirror.

$0 per session. Not a bad price. Start writing.

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So here’s my excuse for not blogging in a long time.

For the past few months, I’ve been writing The Hangover Part II with Scot Armstrong and Todd Phillips. I’m not telling you anything about it, so don’t even ask. It’s more fun to see the movie not knowing anything anyway, right? All I’ll say is that Todd Phillips and the cast are doing an amazing job, and I’m incredibly proud to be a part of this film.

In a few hours, though, I’m leaving the set and getting on a plane for Austin. I’ll be speaking on a number of panels at the Austin Film Festival. If you’re a blog reader and you see me there, wave hi or something. I’ll be hanging around with John Lee Hancock, John August, Derek Haas & Michael Brandt, John Turman, Jeff Lowell and everyone’s favorite computerized special-needs screenwriter, The Robotard 8000.

On Thursday, I’m moderating/participating on a panel about the business of screenwriting, at 1 PM. At 2:45, I’m on another panel about how to take a meeting.

On Friday, I’ll be doing the screenwriters roundtable at 1:45 PM. And at 10:45 AM on Saturday, there’s a comedy screenwriters roundtable.

I’ve never been to Austin before, but this is one of the few screenwriterish festivals that looks good (I also do the Nashville Screenwriters Conference, which is terrific). Hopefully I’ll see some of you there.

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Did I say “early August?”

Yikes. Sorry. It’s been a little nuts. But I’m back, and I’m going to start blogging regularly again. I’ll kick things off with this short but sweet post.

If you’re a member in good standing of the WGAw, you have received your ballot for the upcoming Board election.

Here are the candidates I strongly suggest you vote for.

CHERYL HEUTON – the brilliant co-creator of “Numb3rs.” Cheryl is an absolute expert on the state of the art of network television. We are beyond lucky that she’s running. Please vote for her. She’s fantastic.

MARK GUNN – Mark has been serving the Guild for a number of years now, and he’s a real union guy (I believe he started out as one of the early proponents of organizing). He’s also thoughtful, rational, pragmatic and really smart. He’s not afraid to challenge leadership either (any leadership…militant or moderate). We need him back.

CHRISTOPER KEYSER – Wouldn’t it be great if we had someone on the Board who created a hit network television show? And who won a Humanitas Prize for his writing? But who was also a Harvard Law grad with a penetrating mind for business, contracts and negotiation? Well, you got him. No one on the Board right now has his kind of qualifications. He would be a tremendous asset for all of us.

MICK BETANCOURT – I met Mick last year, and I was really impressed. Another working writer, a strike captain and a Teamster to boot, Mick is my kind of union guy. He’s tough, he’s union all the way, but he puts “do what works” above “do what sounds good.” He’s all about getting results, and he ain’t shy about it either. I love him.

AARON MENDELSOHN – Aaron has a wealth of experience on the Board and NegCom, and he brings a level-headed approach to governance. That’s probably why so many politically diverse people are all supporting him. You should too. We can’t afford to lose guys like Aaron…they’re the ones who do the work behind the scenes.

And that’s it.

Just those five.

“Hey, we’re supposed to vote for eight.” No…you can vote for up to eight. You don’t have to vote for eight. Indeed, if you really want these five to be elected, just vote for these five.

Why? It’s not that other candidates aren’t good people. Some of them are my friends. But many of them are ahead of the vote-gathering game. They don’t need more help. And these five–diverse as they are–are the ones that I believe will be most likely to help us get the best possible contract. I also think they’re the ones who will be most likely to improve the general affairs of our union.

Whether you agree with me or not, please vote. The companies study our turnout. Honestly. They really do. The higher the turnout, the more serious they take us. You may not think this stuff matters, but as someone who served on the Board, I honestly and sincerely assure you…

…it definitely, definitely does.

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Bear with me. I’m busy, which is good (especially in light of the recent LA Times article about how sucky it is out there for screenwriters).

When I’m back (soon, probably early August), I plan to write about the following:

1. What’s next for credits and the WGA

2. My preview of the upcoming negotiation season

3. The world of screenwriting classes, books and coverage services

4. Hulu and new media

5. Whatever the hell else comes to mind

For those of you that don’t subscribe to my RSS Feed, consider doing so. It will alert you when new posts are up.

Hope you’re having a great summer. See you in a few weeks…

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